The albhabet of 2014

Let's say she is a brilliant young political writer who thinks alliterations, symbols, analogies, synonyms, antonyms and metaphors are passé when it comes to analysing the far in the horizon Lok Sabha elections of 2014. What choice does she have? We know it is becoming repetitive, but let us say she decides to start using English alphabets to forecast who would be the next prime minister in 2014. Let us hope, unlike many political journalists of these times, she knows
her alphabets.

She would have a rough time choosing between N and M. And she would of course know that there is another N that looms like a mythological warrior. She won't be able to guess – despite her best efforts and lots of advice from television anchors – as to how another M would behave. People in WB have figured out that this M sometimes herself doesn't know how she will act. She does know that another N who represents a state called O will not bother if M or N wins the race as long as he remains THE N in his state. And let us  spare her and you the agony of other alphabets like J of TN,  O of JK, Y of AP and the original M of UP.

Are you confused? Actually, even we are. We – like you – know that voters like us are so mad at this so-called government being run by the UPA that we would love to vote against it in 2014. But which alphabet or set of alphabets do we vote for? The logical choice would be NDA, but let us say that the possible candidature of an N called Modi has already generated so many abusive and counter abusive 'expert opinions' that we will let this N be; at least for the time being. That brings us back to that other N and that other M. If not Modi, N can only mean Nitish Kumar, Chief Minister of Bihar and the only true 'secular warrior' within the NDA fold. And if not Mamata and Mayawati, the M can only mean Mulayam Singh Yadav, the survivor who can teach a lesson or two to another cow belt chieftain called Lalu Yadav. There is a reason why M and N have started plotting their moves. Ask any Indian with even a little bit of common sense and it is doubtful if either M or N would be their first choice as Prime Minister. But both M and N – like the one and only one heir apparent R – have history on their side. Our political journalist is now fired up with all these alphabets and she asks you with a wimpish smile – cross  your hearts and admit it if you are old enough to remember it.

Did you in your wildest dreams or never-ending nightmares vote in 1996 for a prime minister called HDDG (software geeks that is not hard drive....shame on you our reporter simpers.... it is His Excellency HD Deve Gowda)? Even more bizarre as our intrepid political reporter finds out, Indians actually did not vote for a do-gooder with a strange set of alphabets IKG. Our lady reporter was confused when she was told that IKG stands for a great pacifist called Inder Kumar Gujral who was willing to sell India down the tube (not YouTube) for the sake of peace with Pakistan. Did we hear Balle Balle? She was confused because sycophants who write about Congress told her that they had just played an alphabetic trick. First, they yanked the alphabet K from IKG and arrived at IG. That was not because they had a problem with IKG. They had to remove K because of someone called Sitaram "Kesari". Then they realised that IG had since long passed away. About a few million sycophants started looking for a simple replacement for the alphabet I.

                                

They wanted something simple which even political journalists could understand. So they settled on S and IG was replaced by SG. And the fairy tale has been proceeding nicely along. Of course, we must apologise on behalf of the lady reporter who appears a little overwhelmed with all these alphabets. We told her that SG has anointed another M. She promptly came back with some alphabets and epithets till we told her that this M is special because he is the only leader in the history of the world who leads without any ability or willingness to lead. Our lady reporter was thrilled and announced she is going to take her poodle for a walk. Till she comes back folks, can we discuss the prospects for 2014 elections? We know Congressmen want the nextgen RG to take over from SG, who had to take over because India could not afford a vacuum after JN, IG and RG.

Really, let us try to forget alphabets and start talking about who should rule India after 2014. Sorry, we were immediately reminded by colleagues that only the G can rule India; others can perhaps take care of India. We are also being told even as we write this if illiterate idiots can become top political journalists (Sorry lady reporter without any alphabet), why can't any alphabet become the ruler of India?

So we come back to the N and the M, one the odd secular warrior in the NDA camp and the other the perpetual secular warrior – doesn't matter which camp. It is clear even to the most sycophantic courtiers of SG and RG that the Congress is not going to win 206 Lok Sabha seats. In fact, even sycophants who invoke RSS (we guess better than CIA in the era of IG) as the conspirator behind every evil that troubles India – including dynastic politics – know that their C company will be lucky if it manages to win 130 Lok Sabha seats. Forget public anger at poodle management. Just look at the numbers. C company has 21 out of 25 seats in Rajasthan, 33 in Andhra Pradesh, seven out of seven in Delhi, the overwhelming majority of seats in Haryana, Punjab and Assam and of course those numbers in Tamil Nadu and West Bengal thanks to allies. It has already won a comfortable number of seats in Gujarat, Madhya Pradesh and Odisha. It has Lok Sabha MPs from virtually every major metro and city of India who thought in 2009 that Manmohan Singh backed up by Sonia Gandhi was better than LK Advani backed up by the goat of Jinnah. Common sense says that public anger is so widespread that even die hard C company types know they will be thrashed in 2014.

But who will enter and fill the vacuum? That is where Mulayam Singh Yadav and Nitish Kumar come in. You see, according to the experts sitting in Delhi, that other N called Modi will never be a serious factor because 'secular' India will never vote for him. And that exactly is what stokes the ambitions of N and M. The Bihar Superman already has a PR machinery that claims torture of Dalits or any other criminal act by members of his party are a legacy of Lalu Yadav. We already know how this N has figured out the art of managing the media – and he doesn't even thank the original spin master N of Gujarat for this! What about the UP M? Well, now that he is convinced his son will do what RG can never dream to do, this M is busy connecting with all the other alphabets in India. He is so excited he is even telling his own party members to be prepared for Lok Sabha elections in 2013. We were reminded of a long gone N who nursed similar dreams when Rajiv Gandhi was embroiled in the Bofors scam. We are talking about that great thespian named NTR (we still haven't called back our political reporter because she kept confusing NTR with her quick breakfast which is apparently called MTR).

No wonder the M of UP is so gung-ho about 2014... in fact, even 2013 if the alphabets tumble favourably. The other alphabetic contender N of Bihar cannot boast of such numbers... after all, even if his Bb (Bahubali... not Blackberry, silly) candidates charm all B voters to renounce SG and RG once and for all, he will still get about 40 seats – some of which will belong to that other hateful N from G called Modi. But then he knows India lives secularism so even SG and RG can be persuaded to support him.

You must be wondering why we have started resorting to alphabets after a para or two of sane political analysis. Well, our lady reporter is coming back with her expert opinion and we all want to keep our jobs and our places in TV studios intact.

Enter TV: Gathered around me are political analysts who will talk about Lok Sabha elections of 2014. A big secular politician who lost the elections and then begged his way to the elder house says: Rajivji talked about nuclear disarmament and Panchayati Raj... I never imagined Panchayati will rhyme with Mayawati...The ultimate secular warrior enters the fray being frayed by our lady reporter and says: It is an RSS conspiracy to say that RG will be our leader. Only we Congressmen are allowed to be sycophants...

Enter our political reporter who tells us: Guys, sorry but I am joining TV. You see, when you asked me about G, I was given a lecture by a Yaar... G... u... Then you asked me to do 2G... Aila... two G...s talked to me about bandwidth... And some of these N and M types are asking me to politically dissect the G forces of 2014... Yaar, only problem is, these alphabetical types are talking about 3G...

Our lady reporter – thanks to our male chauvinistic  team, I have been prevented from talking history... I was going to talk about History but I realised that comes with G Strings attached...