A tender hand for a tender heart

 

 

“If we are to have real peace, we must begin with the children”

– Mahatma Gandhi

Goethe said those who behold peace in their own homes, whether they are kings or peasants, are happy. No matter how much wealth we accumulate or how lofty the status and glory we achieve, if our homes are not peaceful, we will be lonely and miserable.

Aarti Kulkarni, an architect, lives in the service quarters of a posh colony in Delhi. She left her parents’ big house in Pune because she didn’t want to live life according to their terms. From wearing clothes to choosing a career, she followed their instructions for 24 years. Aarti wanted to study philosophy and wanted to be a singer. She ended up studying architecture to please her parents, to make them happy at the cost of killing her own ambition. She calls herself a ‘half-hearted’ architect.

“I’m a square peg in a round hole,”says Aarti. Not satisfied with her career, she left home when her parents started pressuring her to marry the kind of man they thought was ‘nice’. “They were looking for a groom for their daughter, not me. They wanted someone they would like, not someone who would suit me,” says Aarti. She is 30, single and doesn’t want to settle down because she has always seen her mother setting aside her own life to keep her father happy. She never received love and compassion from her parents. And she seems to have no compassion for her parents as well. Today, her parents complain that Aarti doesn’t talk to them nicely, she is not a compassionate daughter. But they forget that they never taught her this language of love and compassion. According to experts, if you want a compassionate child, treat your child with compassion.

A lot of adults today don’t have consideration for what the child thinks or wants. Although some feign affection for their own satisfaction, fewer people act genuinely for the children’s sake.

“Stubbornness, anxiety and depression are some of the symptoms in children which are increasing at an alarming rate. More and more children, specially teenagers are now showing aggression, anger and low tolerance levels,” says Dr Jitendra Nagpal, consultant psychiatrist, Vidyasagar Institute of Mental Health and Neuro Sciences, Delhi.

A 2007-2008 study, Identification of Mental Health Problems in School Children, jointly conducted by AIIMS and the Indian Council of Medical Research, has some startling revelations about increasing mental illnesses among teenagers. It says that 15 to 20 per cent of children in the 7 to 16 age group in India show symptoms of mental health disorders. These include irritability, sleeping and eating disorders, low self-esteem, recklessness in behaviour, substance abuse, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder. Experts believe that many of these problems are “maladies” of the modern times we are living in. “Since children these days are brought up in nuclear families in the absence of adequate supervision by adults, they tend to become more demanding and aggressive,” says Dr Sameer Pareikh. According to a survey done by the National Crime Record Bureau, 2,555 children in India attempted suicide in 2005. This trend, if it persists, will lead to a decline of the entire societal system. In this regard, what a child needs most is a sense of security and intimacy.

If children do not feel genuinely loved or needed and cared for, their minds become unstable. The love and affection children receive at home become the key source of strength for the rest of their lives. The core of one’s personality is developed during one’s infancy at home. It is the parents and the families whom children first encounter in this world. A baby who cannot even distinguish ‘self’ from the ‘other’ gradually develops self-identity through his or her interactions with others.

How parents treat their children every day – including their voices and mannerisms – has a great impact on the minds of children. Parents’ everyday conduct is the greatest form of education. Twelve-year old Mohit stammers and wets his bed. When he was taken for counselling, Mohit revealed that his parents would fight while dropping him to the school and then his father would drive very fast. Mohit often sees them fighting in his dreams also.

If one looks for the root cause of every negative behaviour of a child, they will find that the parents of the child are responsible one way or the other. When children see their parents fighting, they are the ones who suffer the most. The atmosphere of the home gradually seeps through the hearts of the children - bright or dark, warm or cold. Above all, the relationship between the parents has a great influence on children’s psyche, says Dr Mallika, director of Manassakthi, a free counselling centre in Kochi.

A nine-year-old boy always carried a pocket knife with him. When a doctor spoke to the boy alone, she found out that the boy’s parents would fight every night over another woman, thinking that their child was fast asleep. The boy told the doctor that he carried the knife to kill the 'other girl' so that his mom would have a happy family life. This clearly shows how vitiated home atmosphere may lead to children developing a criminal tendency.

Experts feel that parents are unknowingly forgetting the ‘childhood’ of a child. Childhood is getting sacrificed at the altar of a demanding and fast-paced race called life. Today’s parenting is kind of ‘hurried parenting’. Parents do not realise that parenting is not a race because children are not race horses. Parents feel that they are doing their best for the child but the important ingredient of ‘emotion’ is often missing from the concoction.

“ ‘Kids these days’, is a common refrain of parents but we forget that we are the ones responsible for creating such an environment. The kids didn’t create 75 television channels, various kinds of gadgets, the reality shows etc. We have created such a situation. The child is only the ‘victim’ of what we have created. So, it’s the parents’ responsible to teach them how to handle all this. That is what is good parenting,” says Dr Nagpal. The “me first” attitude has become the society’s general attitude, adds Dr. Nagpal. According to experts, the environment surrounding children is not ‘healthy’. One can see a race for material wealth. Everyone seems to be more concerned about making more money, devoting most of their time and energy to achieve the material things. In the process, they forget the core elements towards achieving true happiness. Greed, anger, self-centeredness have taken over. We can change the scenario by creating value in daily activities that we do, by correcting our own self before we correct our children. When adults have a clouded vision themselves, children will learn and reflect the same as they are the mirrors that reflect the adult society. By raising happy children, one can bring about a change in the society and turn the world into a better place to live in. And to raise happy children, education at home is crucial. That can only be achieved by giving them a healthy environment at home, by imparting the right values. Parents should not just focus on fulfilling material requirements of a child but should teach the consequences and the after effects of each and every action. Gordon W. Allport, an American psychologist, pointed out that the atmosphere at homes that we create through living our everyday lives has a great influence on personal development of children.

Experts also say that if a child is raised in a relatively comfortable environment, one in which he can easily get almost anything he wants, they later turn out to be losers who are weak-willed and try to avoid anything in life that is unpleasant. Shishir’s mother gave up her career to look after him. She fulfilled his every desire. Shishir as a child turned very choosey, ate a particular sabzi cooked in a particular manner. His mother would cook that sabzi even if they were at a friend’s place. This kind of pampering and comfort made Shishir very weak. He failed to prove himself the moment he entered the real world where everything was not so pleasant and comfortable. He got into drugs. Like love and compassion, correct guidance is also important to raise a happy and healthy child.

TSI has prepared a guideline for parents to raise happy children. Experts who helped in drafting this are Dr Sameer Pareikh (Max Hospital, Delhi), Dr Jitendra Nagpal (VIMHANS, Delhi), Dr Meena K Jain (Child and adolescent psychologist, Karnataka), Dr Rex Sargunam (president, Tamil Nadu Health Movement), Dr Hiranmay Saha (child psychiatrist and former chairman, Child Welfare Committee, Govt of West Bengal), Dr Mohit Randeep (psychiatrist) and Dr. Mallika (director of Manassakthi, free counselling centre in Kochi). Parent’s love and sincerity

The bond of a parent and a child is human. What matters in the end is sincerity, not technique. Only the human heart is capable of moving the heart of another. Children are neither for parent’s vanity nor for enhancing their reputation. The only thing that will be communicated to the hearts and minds of children is the parents’ unconditional love.

When a child feels totally worthy and loved, he or she doesn’t behave like a brat. Brat behaviour shows that a child is not feeling emotionally safe, loved and connected. Your child can turn into a loving child from a spoilt one if he or she gets enough unconditional love from you. If you want a compassionate child, treat your child with compassion.

Communicate your feelings

Many parents work while taking care of their homes. Children often think that our work is more important than them. We must tell them that they are number one. Then we must explain to our children the reasons we work. We must not use our busy schedule as an excuse not to explain to our children about what we do. We must express our love for our children concretely. Children are aware that parents are busy. On this account, however, parents must not neglect children. What is important is the depth of parent’s feelings for their children. Yet, unless parents communicate their feelings clearly, children will feel lonely and volatile. In spite of limited time we have, it is important to show affection to children every day.

The love of parents showered upon the lives of young people will become their sustenance for their whole lives. Nothing surpasses earnest parents. Children grow up looking up to parents. It is not the parents’ words that children will hear. No matter what wonderful things parents may say to their children, if their words are not accompanied with action, children will never take note. When parents do their best, the children will respond accordingly. The parents’ love and compassion will no doubt bring out their children’s vibrant spirit to grow and develop further.

Parents must change first

Parents must establish the correct standard for their children to live up to. The environment surrounding the children, particularly the behaviour of adults, has a great impact on children. Parents must set good examples before asking their kids to do this or that. They must strive to become a good and upright influence for their children. This helps children to understand the distinction between good and bad which, in turn, prepares them for the tough decisions of life.

Don’t fight

There are parents who often fight over their children’s problems, blaming one another and making matters worse. When children see their parents fight, they are the ones who suffer the most. The relationship between parents has a great influence on children’s psyche. Thus, it is not advisable for parents to fight bitterly in front of children. The relationship between parents is the foundation of all human relationships within a family; it is the axis and the pillar. How parents relate to each other has a great effect upon the growth and development of children.

Understand your child

Parents must recognise their children’s character from their early childhood. This is important because once they do so, they won’t be surprised when their children go through rebellious phases. Even when the problems are not so apparent, parents can easily detect when something unusual is happening by observing even small changes in their mannerisms and tone of their voices. Don’t try to control them

If children were to obey everything the parents said, they would become automatons. In the end, such children would be misfits. The parents’ wish to mould their children into their idealised images is self-serving. The objective reality is that things will not turn out exactly as parents wish. Parents need not look at their children only from subjective viewpoints but need to maintain their objectivity. No matter how much affection parents think they are showering on their children, what is most important is how the children are actually feeling. Parents must acknowledge that children don’t always obey their parents and broaden their understanding. There are reasons why children are disobedient and throw tantrums. They are often unable to articulate their feelings, so they look for an outlet for their pent-up emotions. We should try to be more sensitive and understanding towards the feelings of children. We should encourage their hopes and help them improve themselves. It is important to believe in their potential. Education at home begins with the parents’ trust in their children.

Acknowledge the difference

It is impossible for parents and children to completely understand each other. They are from different generations. Moreover, Children grow and change every day. Although parents may wish for their children to remain the same, they must not be dragged down by those feelings. Parents and teachers must first acknowledge their differences with the children. With this acknowledgment as the starting point, parents and teachers can develop mutual understanding with the children.

Need of a strong bond

Humans cannot become full-fledged adults by themselves. Because of support from their parents, teachers and friends, children develop steadily. As long as they are supported by those who understand them, children can exert themselves better. This is the importance of heart-to-heart bonds. Children will come to appreciate these bonds as they grow further and mature into adults.

Be considerate, not over-protective

The human mind is more delicate than we think. The subtle changes in our hearts often drastically change everything. So we must develop more sensitivity towards the hearts and minds of children and extend more consideration to them. Between a parent and a child, it is important to express one’s feelings for each other. Even mundane words like “Thank you’ or ‘I am sorry’ will lead to something significant. Seemingly small matters are actually matters of great importance. It is also important not to force our opinion upon our children. We must speak and act towards children with genuine consideration for their feelings.

Parents should not be passive towards children, although they should avoid being over-protective. It is important so that children may learn to live correctly. Children often remember things that may seem insignificant for adults. Children are observant of their parents. They are always watching their parents. Respect their personalities

Children need not be saints. Parents must acknowledge the way children live their lives. In time they will naturally change for the better. Parents are a means for children to grow and develop. Children are not the possessions of parents. It is an illusion for parents to think that their children will be like them. Children are always developing. It is natural for them to have fights and get roughed up once in a while. If parents remember their own childhoods, they should better empathise with their children.

Parents tend to judge children by their own standards, thinking, for example, “This must be too difficult for my child to understand”. The hearts and minds of children, however, are often more expansive than any adult would imagine. Children, especially when they are young, have a great ability to absorb, continuously enriching their minds and expanding their potential. The issue is how adults can involve themselves with children. Adults must accept and treat each child as a person. This also applies to how we listen to children. When children discover something new, it is important for parents to respond to their excitement by sharing their feelings instead of ignoring them. This will add more breadth to the children’s lives later on.

Be patient

Every child is precious. Some grow fast while others take time to mature. All children are different. They are diverse in their growth and development as well. When parents are excessively nervous about children, elated one moment and discouraged the next, such insecurity affects children. It is important for parents to maintain composure without being swayed by the various ups and downs. Children can grow freely when parents are rich and broad in heart. Parents must not be impatient. Each child possesses his or her wonderful unique quality. When children overcome difficulties on their own, their experiences will become precious assets in their lives. Children are naturally endowed with the ability to overcome hardship. When children grow up to a certain point, the parents job is to encourage their initiative. From five years on, they gradually grow independent of their parents. Although children continue to need their support, parents must change the way they treat their children. After children enter elementary school, they begin to form their individual character. This period may be described as transformation of a child into a person.

Mother’s role

A mother is the most precious thing in her child’s world, so it is important that she embraces him or her with all her heart. It stands to reason why the mother usually has the closest relationship with her child. Should the child create a problem, the mother can admonish him or her without hesitation. Children will always sense their mother’s all encompassing love.

A few words of appreciation

Children long to hear words of praise and appreciation. In today’s world, such words are rarely heard. We are more likely to hear those of jealousy and hatred. The minds of many people have become smaller and shallower; such individuals are less inclined to acknowledge the good in others. Depending on how you talk to your children, they will either be encouraged or disheartened. They will already be on the defensive if you always tell them to study every time you see them. Being emotional when you lash out at them without listening to what they have to say will only make them feel dejected. A dismissive attitude, thinking that he or she won’t understand what you are talking about or that you don’t worry about a matter that may seem trivial to you, is a non-helper. Within each child dwells a potential adult. If you address him on that level, you can enable his character to blossom. I have a busy schedule

Whenever you go out, it is important to communicate with your children, letting them know where you will be. After returning home, let them know that you are back.

There is no need to feel inadequate because you are busy. You are exerting yourself for the sake of your children and your family. It would be foolish to compare your family situations with that of other families and to think that you have to conduct yourself in the same way. There is no need to compare you with others; no two families are alike. It will only result in creating an illusion or you will live life based on formalities. All that matters is for each family member to live his or her life wisely. Raising children is about creating value.



Children feel inhibited when their parents are always around them. There are times when our absence can create a space in which our children can expand their minds and feel free. If they are always with their parents, they will feel the pressure and uneasiness of being under constant scrutiny.

It is essential that mothers have the mindset to always put their children first. No matter how difficult things may become, continue smiling and always be considerate to your children. Children always want their mother’s attention even if they are aware that she may be busy. Even older children crave for mother’s attention, especially during important moments in their lives. Having someone who always believes in them is the best encouragement they can receive; this gives them inner strength. It is essential that the mother warmly embraces her children with a magnanimous smile as often as possible.

Don’t be overwhelmed by your busy schedule and never allow yourself to give in. Having a lot of time is not a requirement for successfully raising your children. Even if you do have free time, if your heart is not into raising them, you won’t be able to reach them.

There is the tendency to complain when one does not have enough time. In this frame of mind, you will lose your focus and negative feelings will envelop you. As a result, you will not be able to revel in the feeling of joy, no matter how much you may try your best. Remember, the heart is what matters most, not how much time you have.

Healthy children

Two of the most important things for growing children are sleeping and eating. If they do not get either adequately, deficiencies may affect their development. Encouraging good habits is a way for children to maintain daily rhythm. Parents should give first priority to their children’s diet so that they can grow healthy mentally and physically. Meals are the mainstay of our daily lives. Sharing meals at the dinner table is one of the most important occasions for families to be together when everyone can openly communicate with one another. Over-indulgence is bad

Many children are being raised in a relatively comfortable environment today, one in which they can easily get almost anything they want. However, if children continue to be indulged this way, they will later become losers who are weak-willed and who try to avoid anything in life that is unpleasant. If they are indulged in this manner, they will never be able to develop a true sense of satisfaction. If children become too accustomed to having things done for them all the time, they will become selfish and easily dissatisfied as adults. It is more humane to warmly support the children as they strive to develop their own abilities, enabling them to aim for their goals until they finally achieve them. It has to be borne in mind that most men and women, successful in history, were not raised in comfort.

TV and video games

If you think your children are being negatively influenced by television programmes or video or computer games, it is important to discuss this with them and to set time limits. Use your ingenuity in diverting your children’s attention away from television and video or computer games.

Put grades in perspective

Too much focus is often placed on doing well academically and achieving good grades. It is not uncommon for students who are academic achievers to be praised as being good children. Many parents however become too driven in their quest to have their children get good grades; they become more preoccupied with grades than their children. Parents usually try to make their children study and children usually want to play or just lie around. This is a main source of conflict. But grades are just one aspect of a child’s growth and development. One deals with grades from elementary school through to college. There are also grades to contend with in society. Having earned excellent grades during college is no guarantee of success in life. We should provide opportunities so that they can learn to rise to whatever challenges they face in life.

Academic accomplishment and human integrity are two separate issues. Desire to learn is a noble pursuit and it is important to impart in children this desire but in no way should it be forced upon the children.

Never say things like “You are worthless.” Instead, instil in them the feeling of “I can do it if I try.”

(With inputs from T.Satisan, Snehangshu Adhikari, Arunanshu Bhattacharya, Satish Chapparike and B.Sethuram)